Getting Back to Normal

Well, things are slowly getting back to normal.  As normal and things can be that is - given that my family will no longer be here.  My parents went to the MTC yesterday morning - that is after the AC stopped working and we had a small flood in my room.  Literally everything in the house has broken down over the last month.  Which has no doubt added to the stress that my Mom and Dad have felt in the last several weeks, but I have also been grateful for it as it means that I do not have to deal with it all breaking down the months after they leave!

I have also been feeling much better - I feel like I am getting back to myself.  I started taking an all natural supplement, SAM-E.  You take it the morning and it helps with serotonin levels and it is all natural which is the only way that I am willing to go.  I have taken for about two weeks now, I have missed a day here and there.  There was a set of days I missed 3 or 4, and I noticed a clear difference on the fourth day I was no myself.  I will undoubtedly be looking into other things, but for now this has been a great help, and I reckon that someday I will no longer have to take it, one can only hope!

Work is moving along slowly, but it is moving forward which is a good thing.  I am adapting to my parents not being here.  Thanks to great friends and family I think all will be well, not that I ever doubted, but nonetheless.  The next week will be busy.  My parents come home from the MTC on Sunday afternoon.  We are doing dinner with family that night, a big family FHE on Monday and then they take off on Tuesday.  I leave on Thursday and will be in Detroit with them thru July 5th.  After that things could get a little boring around here...

VICTORY!

Today was primary election day.  I believe the photos explain the story.  I have supported Mike Lee from the beginning and it was awesome to see him win!  I feel that I have already been on the right (as in correct) side of an issue/person, but this time it feels really good to be on both the right side and the winning side!!

When early voting numbers came in we had a slight lead of a about 3%.  We were on the edge of our chairs the whole night watching the as the numbers came in.  Cheering at when even the percentages didn't change, but more precincts had reported.

Around 10:00 pm we realized that we were going to keep the lead...

Me and Heidi went late to the party, but ended up in the perfect spot as Mike and the core staff came down from upstairs - clearly very excited!

The phone call to Tim Bridgewater

The acceptance speech - with the family looking on.

The media - Richard Piatt, always first on the job.

It was an exciting night and you could no doubt feel the energy in the room.  I did not take these pictures - I wish I had such talent, but that is not the case.  On to a win in November!

Endure JOYFULLY to the End

It will be hard for me to express all the feelings that I have had today – going to church and seeing so many people that I love and feeling that love reciprocated by so many others.

As I woke up and got ready, I was slightly overcome with emotion – the joys that had had in the Fluckiger’s home. To be able to witness their lives, the lives of a couple who truly understand and know the truthfulness of the gospel. I had butterflies in my stomach as we went to church, it felt somewhat odd and truly surreal to be back in that building, then as I saw the missionaries at the door I was once again overcome. I sat down – Kathy Bishop was sitting with Sis. Waldbusser in front of us. I gave her a huge hug. I had been thinking about her all morning – wondering if she was going to be there, how her Dad was doing, where she was living…and there she was, I gave her a hug, but as the meeting had already begun I didn’t have time to do anything else.

Sister Holland was sitting next to us, I need to call her – there are so many I wish I could have spent more time with, seen more, talked to longer – I hope to stay longer next time. There were so many people, the Moores, the Cannons, Nelsons, Skidmores – I am confident I am leaving out so many. Gospel Principles had just started as I walked in, but I had to say Hi to James, as I shook his hand and asked how he was doing – I could tell he did not realize who I was, as I sat down behind him, he realized he knew me – I said, “Sis. Holmes”. I will never forget the look on his face. As we talked after – I just wanted to give him a big hug. He alone changed my understanding of the Atonement and the true power that it has. He said he had been in talking to the Bishop, and on the whiteboard in his office someone had written “endurance à”. Before he left, he told me he had to write “joyfully” above it. I was so touched that he would remember something like that – something that I had taught, and Bishop knew it came from me.

I have no way of explaining how much that meant to me. I assured him I would be at his baptism – there is nothing that will stop me from being there.

Sis. Fluckiger made dinner for us – pork chops & apple sauce – it was wonderful. She gives the greatest advice – it was so good to be able to just sit and talk to her, really talk. She is no doubt a mother to me. She has given me so much strength, encouragement, and peace so many times. There are no words I can express for the love that I have for her and her boyfriend.

Temple, Reunions, and a Good Long Talk

What a day it has been - I am utterly exhausted, and really quite surprised that I made it this late. I thought I was going to loose it around 5pm, and now its past midnight!

The sealing this morning - there are no words to describe the amazing feeling that was there. I had prayed that I would get confirmation about them being sealed, and I did. They walked into the sealing room and as the sealer gave counsel and instruction - which was perfect for them - a flood of memories and emotions cam flooding through my mind. The first time I went to their house, and I thought, "if I ever have to go there again I may die", to leaving here and thinking it would be nearly impossible to leave. It was worth every penny it took to get here. The spirit that overcame me - with total love and gratitude that I had been a part of that. That he had given me the opportunity to be a witness of the beginning of a great miracle - the miracle of change, true spiritual change.

I was able to see Sis. Countryman, the Stevenson in laws, Sis. Aanerud, Anya, and Kristi. I wish I would have been able to sit and really talk with Kristi - I miss her, and talking to her. She is amazing. She taught me so much about faith in following your leaders, she has an inner strength that comes from that faith in Jesus Christ that I am in awe of. Anya is about to burst, literally - she is due with her baby girl in a few weeks and Sis. Countryman is pregnant again. The Gardners, Haskins and Sis. Howard came over fro dinner - how wonderful it was to see them. It seems as if everything and yet nothing has changed.

Sis. Howard and I sat and talked for what seemed like only an hour or so, but she only left a little bit ago - which means it was multiple hours. It was good to talk. There is something about talking with someone you love and admire that just makes you think. It is one of my favorite things to do - it brings me an inner peace and calm. I think it is like that quote about how it is often through other people that the Lord meets our needs. And that is one way that he does it for me, giving me people I can talk to - on a deep personal level.

I wish I could stay longer - to have more time to just talk.

Dallas

Well, I arrived in Dallas today. The heat an humidity was the first to greet me – I recall when I arrived here on my mission not feeling the humidity until I walked through the doors to the baggage claim, but this time I hadn’t even stepped off the plane before I felt it.

Patti picked me up – it was so good to see her. She is amazing. We went to her house and had dinner with the family – well her, Tom, Kristi and Joe (Kristi’s boyfriend, this was the first night meeting the parents, joint with Kristi’s birthday dinner). It was god to be there, although I did feel a little strange – I think it was the fact that I was here in Dallas, with pants and heels on, and not trackting or something. There are several new buildings, the construction that was on Town East is finished, along with a few new restaurants and things.

Sis. Fluckiger picked me up and we stopped at the new Braums for ice cream and then came home – it really does kind of feel like home, other than I feel like I should have someone else with me. Lying in bed – a rush of memories come to me… Thursday planning, lying out on the trampoline on pday, exercising out on the driveway, Sis. Fluckiger making bread, teaching Cody, praying harder than I have ever prayed before, being completely exhausted at the end of the day to the point where I could hardly change out of the sweaty skirt and tights, crying, laughing, SkipBo, getting the mail… I will never forget those days.

Tomorrow the Bryants will be sealed…

Political or Spiritual

I am somewhat stumped at to what to write about today - as I have had both a politically filled and spiritually filled day, and for me life doesn't get much better than that!

I am currently at the Mike Lee offices working on a few things, but I am waiting for others to get things done before I can move forward, which is really difficult for me... I just want to have it done! Especially because tomorrow I am leaving for Dallas - but prior to that I need to vote, have a pedicure and I still need to pack, which I wanted to do tonight, but I am not sure that I will be able to given that at this rate it could be nearly midnight before I get home.

I was able to go to the temple after work - it was wonderful. As I was there, a lady was on the verge of tears as she spoke about the blessings that were promised there to me. It meant a lot to me that she felt what she was saying, and it was not just routine memorization. I hope that I will be more like that. Not just memorize, but really know in my heart - to the extent that it becomes a part of me. I think that is the process by which we will ultimately be made perfect. We begin by just thinking about, then maybe memorizing, or knowing well enough to teach someone, and then it slowly, but surely is internalized. It becomes a part of how you live and who you are. That is the ultimate goal of this life.

I guess the spiritual won out on this one...

Political Suicide

Today I was once again hit in the face with a part of politics that frustrates me - the fact that those who hold public office will not go outside the overton window.

The Overton Window is a political theory which originated from Joseph P. Overton. He observed that when public policies in a given areas, such as education, are arranges from freest to least free only a relatively narrow windo of options will be considered politically acceptable. This window of politically acceptable policies is not defines primarilty by what politicians would prefer; rather, it is defined primarily by what they believe they can support and still win re-election.

And for this reason, I have a lot of respect for Governor Christie of New Jersey - this guy is incredible! He gets out there and tells it the way it is. At the rate he is going he will never be reelected, not in a million years.

Look at this video...

I have never seen - and reckon I will never see any other person in political history ever make such remarks regarding the teachers unions! They just wouldn't and you know why? Because they have a massive group of grassroots teachers and their networks whom they not only forcibly collect money with, but then give that money to specific candidates and typically those candidates win. They just have that much power.

The perfect example here in Utah, specifically relating to education, is the 2007 voucher referendum. Governor Huntsman had approval ratings never seen in political history - if any political figure has more than 80% approval rating they are just telling everyone yes and doing nothing. Governor Huntsman was 100% on board with vouchers, but was he going to come out and do anything about it - nope. He didn't even allow his Lt. Governor to so much about it. He just sat because he did not want to deal with the possibility of political suicide, can't handle only 70% of the population approve of you? (On a complete side note - he was appointed by Obama to be ambassador to China, go figure).

This is merely one example of one person, the fact is most people involved in politics will never step outside the overton window, they just won't - it would cost them their job.

I do not have much hope that I will ever meet someone that is willing to look outside the window to policies that are actually sound government policy - but if you are sincere about doing so, I would do anything to get you elected.

Real Life

Well, the reality of real life hit me in the face again... no Lake Powell. My family has been trying to squeeze in 3 years worth of vacation time in the last 3 months, and that has depleted me of all my vacation time without being able to go on the last family excursion to Lake Powell. Tear.

Noted I am not too sad about not having to help pack up all the food, the boat, and towels and then carry it all down the hot dusty road to the house boat... however the rest of the week tends to make up for all of that. Oh well, I suppose that is what real life is actually about - responsibility and not vacation.

Which reminds me of a discussion my Dad had with us over dinner last night, the end of which I fell asleep in, but I think he'll be surprised at how much I actually got from it.

We started with 1 Samuel 8 - where the children of Israel ask to have a King rather than the judges, Samuel is frustrated and after speaking with the Lord several times the Lord allows them to have a King. The children of Israel use that as justification for a King, saying that the Lord has sanctioned it even when that was not really the case. Prior to giving them Kings Samuel explains to them what the King will do - taking their lands, and their children, etc. And the people rather than being distraught by the thought are pleased. They are comforted knowing that they will not have any responsibility.

Given that responsibility required me to stay home from Lake Powell the thought of no responsibility sounds pretty nice. But thinking about the further consequences to having no responsibility.... not as appealing. I think about those things that result in the greatest joy for me.

Its finishing a final paper for a class. Cleaning (yes, I am crazy - but if you will cook I will clean up!). Doing something for someone else. Going on a mission. Going to lunch when I please. Eating what I want. Traveling. And on and on...

All of things take responsibility. Even the little things like going to lunch - if I didn't have any responsibility than I wouldn't be able to choose when and where and what I eat. Its more like being a baby... and as fun as it would be to sleep, eat, and poop all day I am just not sure that is the life that I really want at this point. So, yes responsibility comes both with the good and the bad - but by in large the good outweighs the bad.

Now, I could go into a long political discussion on this same topic given the current state of affairs - but I will spare the details, and simply state that I believe we are headed into a time where more people are choosing to not have responsibility. They want the government to be in complete control - responsible for every aspect of their lives. Healthcare is only the beginning.

For me, I will be watching for John Galt.

Change

Last Sunday I went to a singles ward - which I will be attending after my parents leave, I decided not go there full time yet as I will be out of town this weekend, my parents speak the Sunday after, and then I will be in Detroit the week after that - so I though it better to not tell them I was coming and then be gone for a month, than to just wait.

Anyway, the Relief Society lesson last week was on change. Which has undoubtedly been on my mind a lot recently - from my parents leaving, Ashley getting married, and ultimately settling in to my living situation at home, working full time, and what not. During the lesson the teacher shared this video with us.

The part that struck me the most was when she said, "I pray, I get answers, and then I do it". That is exactly what this life is all about. I don't think there is any way that I can expand on that. Ask God, listen, and then do it. And I know the times in my life when I have done that I have found more happiness than at any other time. The warning is that once you start to do that - the Lord will call on you more and more. The more you do the more you will be asked to do, but as you do that you will draw closer to God, you will become like him.

I can't leave out Elder Holland, at the end of the clip he states, "In suffering we may indeed be nearer to God than at any other time in our lives". How true that is. And this is why I am grateful for my current trials. At a point in my life where I can't really complain about anything - I have a job, a car, a house to live in that I don't have to pay rent on, family - both immediate and extended, and great friends.

I am so grateful that the Lord has seen fit to test me, to try me - my faith. I pray that I will be able to pass his test.

Good Days and Bad Days

I always thought of depression as more - well, honestly I am not sure I ever thought about exactly what that meant and the effects of it. For me, it has been an interesting ride, its almost more hit and miss sometimes. I don't know that I would describe it as a good day (only because I don't feel perfectly myself very often), but there are the worst days, bad days, and better days. This last week was mostly in the better category - towards the end moving to the bad, and today has just been weird.

I woke up late, hurried and got ready to go to Kira and Mike's sealing to Grant. It was beautiful and amazing! Grant was so cute - perfectly calm, happy, and contented. At such a happy moment surrounded by so many people, in the temple, you would think that things would be all smiles. But somehow there is a space - a black space. That is the only way that I can describe it. It's a feeling of emptiness that nothing and nobody can really fill. You know when you feel awkward in a big group of people that you don't know and are forced to make conversation with them? That is kind of the feeling, except you do know them...

The feelings have lingered most of the day. Took a nap outside on the grass. What a perfect day. I wish I could express exactly the feeling, but it is almost like you are there physically, but emotionally you are not connected to anyone or anything.

I didn't get the best nights sleep last night, that it could be why I have felt this way. It is amazing what little things can change your mood - I have found that adequate sleep plays a huge part! Neither did I exercise due to waking up late. Nor did I read my scriptures. I did take my vitamins however. I will have to see if there is some sort of pattern...

Off to the temple with my parents. Smile.

Mike Lee

I typically write at night after work, but I thought today that it might be more effective for me to write during my lunch hour or when I need a little break from the usual going ons at work, so since I am doing some stuff for Mike Lee today - and have not mentioned him since he first decided to run for Senate I would start there today.

The campaign is in full force at this point and things are heating up! Having watched the race from the beginning, even prior to Mike announcing his candidacy, I have become more and more frustrated with Tim Bridgewater. I got a piece in the mail today - since when did Tim want a flat tax? I am fairly certain he never talked about that until recently... and I know that Mike has talked about it a lot. The funniest thing I reckon of this nature that I have seen was about two weeks ago when Mike posted his stance on American-Israeli relations, and the next day I see a facebook post for Tim saying check out my stance on American Israeli relations. Crazy. And that's the way politics goes.

Overall things are going swimmingly! We are ready for a win on June 22nd! If you want to read more on Mike or the campaign, visit www.mikelee2010.com.

REMEMBER TO VOTE JUNE 22nd!!

Back by Popular Demand

Well, I have gotten a bit of grief for slacking so much on my blog - and for all those that have given me the grief, thank you. If you ever read my first post I asked for it, so I cannot complain about it and I have missed writing.

So, I will try to recap the last month or so, which may also provide an explanation for my lack of writing.

A few months ago after having lunch with my parents subsequently followed by prayers, research, and some other discussions we concluded that I was suffering from mild depression and anxiety. I finally recognized a few anxiety attacks, I had mistaken for allergic to reactions - so the upside to that is I can eat peanuts! Yea!

It has been an experience for sure - but things are looking up! Prior to this experience, I would have to say I was more of one of those that would have told someone to buck up and get over it, but it has been an interesting experience to realize what exactly I have been feeling, identify it, and feel completely helpless to do anything about it. I have never felt so much secluded from the world, to feel myself pulling away from people - friends, family, blogging. I think the best thing I did was tell someone other than my parents what was going on. There was something about letting it out that made me feel like I could conquer it, that it wasn't me alone trying to fight it, but that there were others who knew - even if they couldn't do anything - they knew.

I have been adamant about not going on any drugs, so I have done a lot of research on natural ways to overcome depression/anxiety. Exercise - a brisk walk in the morning and fish oil have been the best two things to helping me. A close second has been getting off caffeine - yes, I am no longer drinking diet coke. It was a bit of a sad day, but I have felt a lot better - I got over the headaches and tiredness while on our cruise to Alaska and this week has been great. I did have a little zip fizz today (less than half the tube) as I did not go to bed till after 1am last night.

Overall, I am doing a lot better. I visited with a life coach last week - I do not have a craft corner - and it was actually very interesting and helpful.

So that is essentially what has been going on - well in my brain over the last couple months. As far as actual going ons - we finished our annual fundraiser, Legacy Awards Banquet, and we are hoping that we will not have to do that again. It is a lot of stress for almost no return. Then we took a family vacation - beginning with a drive to Seattle, a final wedding reception for Ashley and Taylor, and then a cruise to Alaska. Alaska was beautiful! The most amazing part was when we took a float plane to the Misty Fjords - I will post pictures when Ashley sends them to me (she is our official family photographer). There are no words to explain and the pictures will likely not do it justice, but we landed the plane there in the water - the place was called, God's pocket - and I reckon that is exactly what God's pocket looks like. Pure beauty - the trees, animals, and the water - pure glass. The air was misty, hence the name, cool air and the only sound was - well us, we're just not that quiet.

Going back to work is the worst after vacation, and I would have to say the day back it was really awful, but it has gotten better and it has. So, I will just see what progresses over the next several months. I have contemplated grad school, teach for america, or moving. The possibilities seem endless at this point in my life, so the next few years could be a roller coaster, but I am ready for the adventure!