Falling backward

Looking back at my previous post it seems strange to write what I am going to write now, it is amazing how quickly things can change - and when it comes to depression and anxiety I have learned it is a daily battle.  It often feels like I am juggling several things and if I drop one, they are start to come tumbling down one by one... the good part is I am recognizing it - and that gives me the opportunity to change it!

The last couple of weeks have been awesome.  In fact there have been several times I have looked back to the days even before I knew what was wrong with me and thought, "I cannot even replicate those feelings, it is hard to even imagine them".  And then before I forget them completely - I stop doing something I know I need to be doing...this time it was exercise.  I have been so busy with a million other things that I have not been properly exercising.  I have been walking in the mornings 2 or 3 times a week, and then I have run on the treadmill downstairs once or twice, but not a good hard workout.  And this week - nothing.

So, just as I drop the ball on that one I begin to feel a shift in my mood.  I am more irritable, distracted, can't seem to figure out what to accomplish, sad, exhausted (much more than usual), and broke into tears diving home for no apparent reason.

The answer - looks like I better get up in the morning and run it out, then get back to my gym routine!

Productivity

Just writing that word makes me happy, and today was a very productive day.  Nothing special - I woke up, ran, read my scriptures, went to work, ran all my errands for the week, and finished up some work.  If only every day could be as productive.

I am not sure what stands in the way of always having a productive day, however some days are simply better than others.  And you know, I still went to the Barfuss' to use the Biomodulator and watched a little TV.

One day, every day will be as productive.

Mission Bonds

There is something very unique about missions and missionaries and their families really - any connection you can get with a missionary currently serving whether it is just a friend or your own son or daughter somehow brings you closer to them.  I experienced it on my mission and now I get to experience it again with my parents serving.

So, today I had dinner with the Peays.  Elder Peay is currently serving as an Assistant with my Dad, and Brother Peay is serving as a counselor in a neighboring singles ward that I attend who used to serve in the bishopric with my Bishop... so, if that makes any sense at all, that is how I ended up at dinner with the Peay family tonight!  It was wonderful to visit with them, learn more about Landon and their family.

I am so grateful for their willingness to open their home to me.

One of the greatest blessing I have had in my families absence is the tremendous amount of love and support I have felt from so many - family members, friends, ward members, and even strangers like the Peays (who are no longer strangers!).

My Family

Just before my family went to Detroit we had new family pictures done!  The last time we had pictures taken was just before my mission.  However even after taking those we failed to take a 'square' picture to hang over our mantel in the family room.  The picture that was there had hung there for nearly 11 years and Matthew wasn't even in the picture.  We hope he hasn't had a complex for the last 10 years... however it has now been replaced!

It looks beautiful over the mantel and clearly a lot of growing up has occurred since the last picture which filled its spot.

And this one will soon be hanging over the mantel in the mission home.

Gotta love my sisters!

And my brothers!

And we love our Mom...

And our Dad.

General Conference Weekend

I love General Conference.

There is nothing better than good food, sitting at home and watching Conference.  While, it would be nice to have the whole family around, we tried to keep up all the traditions...Heidi and two of her roommates came as well as Meredith and some mission friends of my grandparents.  In fact, last night every bed in the house had bodies in it!  It's been a while since that happened!  It was great to have so many people around.

Conference opened with Elder Holland.  I think he set the tone, for me, for the rest of the Conference.  It was very different for him, focusing on gratitude and the incredible blessings that we have.  I was particularly impressed as he spoke specifically to his mother, as I thought about my Mother and Father that have done so much for me (I just love my Family!).

I have yet to pick out an overall theme for the Conference, however I believe that Faith was woven through many of the talks.  I will be listening to many of them this week to see what I can find.  However, I was undoubtedly filled with much light and desire to do better!  President Uchtodorf touched me particularly with a desire to do and be better.

Saturday night - Girls night!  We did not get a very early start, however it was not really necessary we got ready and went to Salt Lake.  We drove up to the Capitol (we did this last Conference and it is so beautiful, so this may become a tradition).  Then we met Garrett after Priesthood and went to Ruth's Chris for dinner!  It was awesome!  It was the last night of Dine O'round - so we had a 3 course meal for $30 and worth every penny!

Does life ever slow down?

My sister, Ashley, texted me today and said, "I checked out your blog today and you need to write an update!"

I could not agree more.  I have been very bad at keeping this updated, against my own hopes.  However life has become busier and busier...well, maybe that is not entirely true.   I am officially done going to weddings this summer - I totaled 9 weddings this summer that I attended.  5 of which were family which meant the bridal shower and wedding, the others I opted for only one piece of the wedding celebration.  On top of the weddings I also went to DC, Detroit, and Cleveland - traveling 3 weeks in a row -was exhausting.  I thought I liked traveling a lot until then.  However each trip was worth it.

Detroit was naturally my favorite, as I was able to spend time with my family.  The best part was being able to stay for one day of Zone Conferences, I forgot how much I missed hearing my Dad teach.

DC was also amazing!  Heidi, Whitney, and I went out for Glenn Beck's 8/28 Restoring Honor Rally.  It was amazing to be with so many like minded, God-fearing people.  I can't wait to be in heaven with that group of individuals.

Cleveland was my least favorite, however still an experience.  I went out for the annual SPN conference.  I learned a lot, however the best part was going to Lola's - the new Iron Chef Michael Symon's restaurant.  It was amazing!!  While Michael was not there, Emeril was eating there.  That has to say something!

Since then I have mostly been recovering from the 'vacations'.  Laundry finally got done, the bathroom cleaned, and room vacuumed.  However, int he meantime - the alarm battery died, the projector went out, the upstairs TV went bad, and the hot water heater died.  So for about 4 days I have been showering at Bart & Shell's.  Good times.

And life continues to go on....

After the Storm

I think there is a gospel principle which is not discussed as much as it is relevant.  The perfect example of this is Joseph Smith when he prayed.  If you read the account it is not till he says "I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction...I saw a pillar of light..."  It was not until he could not do anymore that God came in and rescued him.

I wouldn't say yesterday that I was about to abandon all hope by any means, but it had been one of those days and after going to dinner with Shay I felt as if I were going to go into another panic attack.  Then I go the mail.  Among the junk there was a strange letter from and address I was not familiar with, other than the city - Frisco, TX, my greenie area on the mission.

I opened the letter and found a baptism program and thank you card from a man I had taught.  He was one of those you never expect anything will come of.  Not, that he wasn't receptive simply that he would not be willing to live it.

There is no greater joy than feeling as if you you played some small role in bringing one of Father's lost children home.